February 2012
4 posts
1 tag
At the chemist getting my tablets.
Mum: I'm going to Flamingo Land soon.
Jamie: Why?
Mum: Me and Scott are going.
Jamie: Charming, you never take me to theme parks.
Mum: You go to loads of places without me!
Jamie: Such as?
Mum: ...Auschwitz.
Jamie: There's a significant difference between going to Flamingo Land and going to Auschwitz.
In work today. You can't make this kinda shit up.
Jamie: So that's £22.38 then please.
Old Lady: Thanks. (She enters her card into the machine) £22.38 did you say?
Jamie: Yep.
Old Lady: (enters her PIN. The machine beeps loudly to let her know it's incorrect. She doesn't move)
Jamie: Sorry, you've not entered the correct PIN number. Could you try again for me?
Old Lady: Oh yes. It was £22.38, yes?
Jamie: Yes...
Old Lady: (types in PIN, is yet again incorrect and doesn't realise)
Jamie: That was also wrong, this is your last attempt to get it right.
Old Lady: Okay. (She starts typing). 2...(press), 2...(press), 3...(press), 8...(press).
Jamie: (realising) Excuse me, you need to enter your PIN number, not the total amount that you're paying!
Old Lady: Oh right, what's my PIN number then, do you know?
Jamie: ...no. It's personal to you.
Old Lady: I have no idea. I'll give you the cash.
I'm sorry to sound arrogant, but some days I am a...
Jen: I feel like I've punctured a lung.
Cara: I feel like I've bruised a rib.
Jamie: I feel like a natural woman.
Fact #44
The first vagina I ever saw was seen while I was at work at Nando’s.
September 2009
43 posts
Fact #43
I was mortified when my ‘lube drawer’, as it was nicknamed, was discovered but I couldn’t care less now.
Fact #42
People dressed in costumes actually scare me more than I thought, as proven when I saw a giant teddy bear walking around outside Build-A-Bear in Liverpool One. I froze and had to run into HMV to get away from it.
Fact #41
My funeral is going to be fun. No black, no hymns, just recalling fun times I had and singing Spice Up Your Life.
Fact #40
I regularly discuss my general distain of vagina when drunk - “There’s just too many flaps!”
Fact #39
I have a small scar on my knee from falling off my yellow BMX and hitting a wall as a child, yet when I accidentally flipped myself over the handlebars of the frigging thing I came away shaken but unscathed.
Fact #38
I sometimes feel I connect more with my dog that I do with most humans.
Fact #37.
If I was in a pop band, I’d be the one doing the whispered vocals.
Fact #36.
I used to have the weakest stomach imaginable. The mere sight of someone chewing with their mouth open/vomming/etc used to make me throw up, nowadays I can deal with it a bit better.
Fact #35.
I once was in a band that recorded one demo of three S Club 7 songs achieved great worldwide sucess.
Fact #34.
Once, our Science class was being let go for lunch and I’d bent down to do my shoelace. Just as I finished tying it, I heard Miss Stretch (no joke) lock the door. I got to the door and no-one was around. FAIL. I was let go by another teacher while the class she had all laughed at me.
Fact #33.
I can’t be trusted in charity shops. I always come away with millions of CD’s. Today’s included Five, Ace Of Base, Richard Blackwood, Lolly and MC Hammer.
Fact #32.
I wrote to Blackpool Council begging them to get Steps to switch on the Illuminations in 2000 after Westlife was announced. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Steps had not only been asked to do so in 2001 but had agreed to do so. So, any of you who saw them out there - BOW DOWN TO ME.
Fact #31.
I have far too many body issues to begin to count. I honestly couldn’t name a single thing about myself that I liked.
Fact #30.
I hate Christmas more than I hate Michael Winner, and I despise Michael Winner.
Fact #29.
I buy every single by The Saturdays twice physically (one to stay clean, one to be signed) and at least once from everywhere possibly digitally. I also have all their radio promo’s and the Malaysian copy of Chasing Lights.
Fact #28.
All of my stuffed animals have personalities, names, back stories and quirky little facts that make them ‘them’. Vedrika, my camel, wears multicoloured sweatbands and enjoys disco, however much like Fergie she doesn’t appreciate you trying to touch her hump.
Fact #27.
I found out that I couldnt do an American accent to save my life the day I was in a musical playing the lead role who was an American man looking back upon his life.
Fact #26.
Despite being more of a lady man than a ladies man, I have in fact had 5 girlfriends. Between Year’s 5 and 7 admittedly but even so. One now has a child. Pretty sure it’s not mine, but y’never know…
Fact #25.
I’ve always had the gift of vocabulary. My first word wasn’t something common like ‘mama’ or ‘papa’. While driving past the Texaco garage situated near my home, I came out with my first word - “diesel”. Mum admittedly nearly crashed the car.
Fact #24.
As a child, I was obsessed with trains and especially Thomas The Tank Engine. I had anything Thomas related, every diecast train is under my bed upstairs. I even had his duvet, curtains and wallpaper.
Fact #23.
When I was about 8 years old, I was asked if I had any idea what high school I wanted to go to. I replied “Greenbank”. Greenbank is an all girls school.
Fact #22.
At 6 years old, I was the Junior Champion of the UK at archery. I even appeared on cable TV and the front cover of The National Archer. Yes, it’s no Smash Hits but a boy’s gotta start somewhere, right?
Fact #21.
At a party at the Fun House, I caught my toe under one of the moving floors and my toenail bent all the way back, revealing the spongy nail bed. It didnt hurt at all. The only pain came when the supervisor came and panicked about it and then pushed it back down onto my toe to repair it. I was 7 and now mentally scarred.
Fact #20.
I used to go line dancing with my mum and my grandma sometimes. Part of it was so I could hear 5,6,7,8 as at that point I didn’t own it.
Fact #19.
August 23rd 2008 - I almost dump my spotty immature ugly cunt of an ex surrounded by 55,000 people, only to be interrupted by Madonna starting her show just as the words, “Tim, I think we have to talk” are uttered.
Fact #18.
I got spaghetti bolognese in my eyebrows and on my ear lobes once. I still to this day cannot recall how I managed to get so messy during one meal.
Fact #17.
My dog and I have stare outs quite a bit. I always win though. I refuse to lose against a dog. I always rub it in when I win too. In all fairness, she shouldn’t start a competition where she KNOWS she’s gon’ lose.
Fact #16.
I can only drink milk if I’m drinking it from a bowl using a soup spoon after having Coco Pops.
Fact #15.
I automatically do the appropriate choreography for “Spice Up Your Life”, dependent on the era of the version that’s playing. For example, the original choreography is performed for any version before the year 2000. After this, the version they did on their last tour is used.
Fact #14.
My first stage appearance was as a mouse being chased by a cat. It all ended in tears…literally. I was taken off stage and consoled that my performance wasn’t that bad while my Mum continued filming. On the film, you can hear her giggling and the camera is shaking while she tries not to laugh.
Fact #13.
The first time I ever swore in front of a parent was when I called Lee Ryan a cunt for forgetting to mime to his part of “Fly By II” on CD:UK.
Fact #12.
I learnt the hard way that drinking to forget an ex is stupid. I can’t drink Steamboats anymore after consuming 13 in an hour, passing out in a locked toilet and being saved by a transexual.
Fact #11.
I once gave myself whiplash in a club called The Krazyhouse moshing on the rock floor. No-one else was moshing, yet I did it ‘to fit in’. FAIL
Fact #10.
I’ve named my depressive states “Eeyore Moments” after the gloomy cynical donkey whose attitude to life is adjacent to mine.
Fact #9.
I once dreamt I was fooling around with a guy and I went to go down on him and his penis was a jumbo sausage roll. Strangely enough, I woke up disgusted at the fact that the sausage roll wasn’t the vegetarian one I liked from Sayers and was appalled at my sub-conscious for insinuating I was eating a meat one.
Fact #8.
Everytime ‘Rudebox’ by Robbie Williams comes on shuffle, I have to shout RUDEBOX and also post the word on Twitter and Tumblr. And I then die slightly inside.
Fact #7.
When Steps split up, I cried for four days. I was just about okay for New Year. Devvo’d didn’t describe it.
Fact #6.
I was dumped by my first boyfriend by phone in the queue in HMV buying Girls Aloud’s “Sexy! No No No…”. He revealed that he’d cheated on me and thus wanted to tell me. I remained dignified until I left the store then cried walking down the busy main street of Blackpool.
Fact #5.
I’ve had chicken pox three times.
Fact #4.
I was so incredibly polite when I met The Saturdays that I probably sounded insincere.
Fact #3.
I was once dickslapped by a stripper in a pub in front of around 50 people.
Fact #2.
I once threw up hitting a note in Beyonce’s ‘Listen’. The note is at 2.58. I’d been singing it for an hour on repeat and my voice was straining and just as I went to hit it (perfectly of course), I heaved and vommed on my keyboard.
Fact #1
I’m terrified of clowns, yogurt and seagulls.